With the joyous arrival of Super Bowl LX – which I’m told translates from Roman to “Super Bowl 60” – readers the world over are again turning to me for sure-thing prognostications and sound ways to wager.

As most of you know, I’m a 12-time Super Bowl watcher with eight rings, each from atop frosted cupcakes purchased for the big-game party. My NFL predictions, to the best of my knowledge, have never been wrong, as I do not believe in criticism and delete all angry emails without reading them.

My Super Bowl picks have been called “probably safer than Bitcoin, maybe” and “a small tick above setting money on fire.”

So with that, let’s get to my ironclad forecasts as the Seattle Superb-hawks take on the New England Patriots in America’s favorite mix of capitalism and violence – the Super Bowl.

Large men will collide in pursuit of an oblong ball that isn't really a ball

I have it on good authority that this year’s game at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, California, will involve literally dozens of large human men racing around a field after a ball that – in a real twist from one’s standard sense of “ball” – is oblong, more an air-filled egg than a spherical bouncy thing.

Some betting lines would have you believe this is the year the Super Bowl “football” is replaced with a proper spherical model, but my money is on the ball remaining a prolate spheroid. Bank on it.

A Budweiser Clydesdale will actually show up at your house

Every Super Bowl seems to involve a beer commercial from Budweiser featuring Clydesdales, a type of horse that, to the best of my knowledge, knows literally nothing about brewing beer.

These commercials tend to grab at the heart, either via endearing visual scenes or the music the Clydesdales tromp along to. Having exhausted all charming horse-related scenarios, this is the year I predict Budweiser will dispatch roughly 135 million Clydesdales, one to each U.S. household, each accompanied by a band playing music that will make everyone cry.

It will still have nothing to do with beer, but everyone will get drunk, so the horses don’t feel they’ve wasted their time.

Someone at your Super Bowl party will cite a stupid fact about salsa

This is one of the best bets you can place for this or any Super Bowl. At some point during the game, regardless of what is happening or what has happened and for no logical reason, one attendee will blurt out, without anyone asking, that Americans buy more salsa than ketchup each year.

This has been a fact for more than three decades, but that won’t stop your neighbor Phil from acting like he’s the king of breaking news. SHUT UP, PHIL! THIS WASN’T INTERESTING IN THE EARLY 1990s AND IT AIN’T INTERESTING NOW!

People will have opinions about the Super Bowl halftime show

This is where I’m putting all my money this year. The Super Bowl halftime show was actually invented in 1967 so football fans would have an additional dumb thing to argue about. This year, I expect the stupidity to reach a fevered pitch. Take the over.

Opinion: WARNING ‒ Bad Bunny's Super Bowl show will turn you woke

Bad Bunny, one of the biggest pop stars on the planet, will perform his Spanish-language hits at the half. A good parlay would be how many times someone complains, “I can’t understand what he’s saying!” or the number of people who learn, for the first time, that people like Bad Bunny, who were born in Puerto Rico, are U.S. citizens. Again, take the over.

President Trump will post something stupid about the game

If there’s one thing President Donald Trump hates, it’s not being the center of attention, so anytime something significant like the Super Bowl happens, he finds a way to draw the spotlight to himself, usually by saying or doing something horrible.

This year will be no different, and might be far worse than usual. Expect that by the end of halftime, the leader of the free world will have posted something uncouth about the game itself (TOO WOKE!) or about Bad Bunny’s performance (RADICAL LEFTIST PERFORMANCE! SAD!).

Kid Rock's alternative halftime show will be viewed by tens of people

The MAGA response to Bad Bunny’s utterly noncontroversial halftime show is an alternative halftime event featuring Kid Rock and some other people who can apparently sing, or something. While many doubt anyone will watch this sad display of xenophobia, I’m predicting an upset. There will be literally tens of people, possibly reaching into the low dozens, watching this streaming nonevent.

A favorable parlay here is that technical difficulties will make it nearly impossible to hear that one song you’ve never heard by that singer you’ve never seen before.

And that’s it. Enjoy your winnings, folks. And enjoy the big game, which I’m betting will be won by one of the two teams competing, by a score that is slightly higher than the other team’s score.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Super Bowl 60 is here and I have guaranteed predictions | Opinion